Today was the day. Well actually three days ago was the day but that is just a technicality. I just found out today. That what I feared more than anything else…. more than death.. has come to pass. After being married for 8706 days, I am divorced. I am fine with it. It wasn’t as bad as death. I will survive. I will grow. Don’t get me wrong… I am not proud of it. I’m not going to celebrate it. I have no ill will for Brenda… we will always be friends and partners in raising our kids… It was a good ride. But the ride is over.
So it’s Labor Day. Labor Day seems the most misunderstood of all the national holidays. Labor Day is kind of the ugly duckling of national holidays… It’s not as sexy as Forth Of July, for sure. It doesn’t have the gravitas of Memorial Day or Veterans Day. It is basically a day to celebrate the American workers and to a certain extent, the Labor Unions that helped those workers gain rights. Labor Day is fine with me :-).
Today we had a bit of miscommunication here in my world. Today is my day with the kids. It was my intention to cook for them. It was nothing fancy… it was a smoked pork shoulder… but I worked on it all day. I communicated with my kids and my STBXW that I was cooking a dinner for them. I got ditched pretty much. I guess what happened is that my kids really didn’t care about dinner. One didn’t even bother to find a way to eat with me. The other decided to eat directly before coming over….thus claiming she “wasn’t hungry”. I know I shouldn’t be as torqued up as much as I am but IT IS eating me up. It is disrespectful. Sometimes I think that they are willing to take the path of least resistance, in that they don’t want to interact for fear there may discomfort. IDK…. my 10 year-old Son ate with me.. I’d like think he did so because he wanted to… not because he thinks he had to. This will pass…
Well it has been a while since I post anything on this blog. I actually deleted all the previous posts that had been on this site at one point. Not sure why I did it. The posts were written during a time when I was in a lot of pain- mental pain. I wasn’t taking anything or doing anything to help myself during that time. My emotions and moods were paper thin. Anything (and almost everything) set me into the downward spiral of crippling anxiety attacks. I wrote in those deleted posts about how I saw death by my own hand as a viable escape. Maybe I should have kept the posts. I don’t know. They weren’t from the heart, but rather from a head that was sick.
I was able to pull myself out of that hole with help from my doctor who recognized that I needed to be back on my medication (a medication I had been prescribed but had stop taking). Being back on medicine has saved my life. I am able to process “life” much better and don’t feel as overwhelmed as I once did.
I really do want to write here more… maybe as a cathartic exercise to process my experiences but also as a way to be creative… to be a story teller…. or a journalist. To relate what is the reality of my life to people (if any) that may read my words.