Burn It Down and Bail….

It’s been a stressful few days. Not because of anything someone has said or done to me… it is just “my head”.

I say “just my head” like it’s just a little problem, eh? Maybe self-consciously I want it to be…. I want to ignore my “head”. But when I ignore my head I go deeper and deeper and deeper into a hole that I can’t see my way out of.

I’ve tried to enter into relationships thinking they would be my antidote for feelings in my poisoned head. In the end, they were not. I’ve not taken the time to heal myself. In the end, all I did was run away from good women who did deserved to be treated they way I did to them.. I bailed. I started fires (or at least set them with someone) and walked away so it could burn down the whole place. I am very selfish. I hurt….so I find a relationship that will soothe me…. and it starts to do just that but when it gets too “real”…. THEN I BAIL…. I GET SCARED… I GET OVER-WHELMED... WTF is wrong with me? I look out for me and me only….. pitiful and a coward.

I cannot be in anther relationship and love anyone else until I love myself…. and I am clearly far away from that.

Although I am better that I was, I am still so very far from where I want to be.

I have to walk that path…. alone

Self-Hate, Prayer and Hope

At what point does the self-hate end?

I wrote this in a divorce group i follow on FaceBook…. not sure if anyone will care or even see it here. Thought I’d share. I really need to write more here. The will is there but the time and inspiration is not.

At what point does the self-hate end?

I spent 23 years in a marriage to the love of my life.

I met my ex on a blind date. From day one I was in love. Our courtship went fast… three months to an engagement and a bit over a year to our marriage.

The early years were great…. but maybe too much so. I believed that a marriage could be sustained on love alone. I felt that love alone could get us through anything and always keep us together. When little problems came up, I feel I buried my head. I didn’t face up to “tending my garden”. I didn’t do what should have been done to feed that garden. To give it good strong roots and to make it flourish.

I spent my career in law enforcement. Most of the time was spent as a Homicide Investigator. I started to have more problems with intense and paralyzing anxiety. The pressures of constant death and the investigations into them caused me to want to “tune out”. I turned to drinking more and more. Never at work… but a lot in my free time. Never mean or abusive. I’d pass out….

I feel I drove my wife and family away. I chose the easy route instead of facing my anxiety. For that I hate myself…. for what I did to my wife and kids. How I destroyed a beautiful family out of selfishness.

I still love my ex with every breath… I understand why she had to take the path that was best for her and the kids.

I’ve worked (and will forever be working on) myself. I’ve controled the demons and learned better self care. I’ve made the changes and continue to learn more about myself everyday.

I pray every day that God will touch her heart and allow her to give me another chance… but in the end… she was my lighting bolt…. and lighting almost never strikes the same place twice”

Feels Just Like Starting Over

If you only knew how many times I start this blog. I always start with the greatest of intentions to write everyday (ok… maybe not everyday… but at least with some semblance of regularity) but stop abruptly. In my mind I think typing out my routine, thoughts, fear, joys, hopes and prayers will be some sort of cathartic experience. It is to a point I suppose… but in other ways I think it exposes my pathetic though processes. I don’t know…

I’m pretty sure nobody reads this anyway (may some bots looking for clients and consumers based on keywords…). I don’t really care either way. Maybe typing out my truth will help me to focus. We will see.

But here I am again… willing (and ready?) to do this again?

I hope so…

“It’s been so long since we took the time
No-one is to blame
I know time flies so quickly
But when I see you darling
It’s like we both are falling in love again
It’ll be just like starting over – starting over”