Confidence

Good morning from a hot and muggy Orlando FL. To say Summer in FL is my least favorite season would an understatement. The heat and humidity here is just plain oppressive. I’ve said it before…. living in FL in the Summer is like living inside a dryer with wet towels…

Seems to me that nothing in MY world is “for sure”. I feel like I live in a perpetual state of “maybe”, “I hope so” and “what if”. It’s a feeling that is pervasive. I feel it in my relationships with women I’ve dated, relationships with my family, relationships with my friends, my job…

While I crave stability- I am probably the person who sabotages that very thing for myself. I am a slave to my own self-doubt. I wonder when I took on these shackles and chains? How did I do it and WHY did I do it? Something must have shook me but I’m not sure what. I used to be much more confident of my path. I was in the drivers seat. Now I feel like I am just a passenger on a bus.

Someway and somehow I will regain the control and confidence… nothing good will happen without it.

Consistency

Good Morning!! I say that with tongue planted firmly in cheek. It’s not that its a bad morning, its just nothing special. Just another 24 hours to get through.

Everyday I go into the breach hoping to advance the ball…metaphorically. What I mean by that is I want something to improve. Sometimes its me physically (losing weight, eating better, working out), sometimes its me mentally (better self awareness, better habits, better outlook) and sometimes it is me socially (finding love/relationships…. whether they may be old or new, friendships or romantic). Increasingly I feel like I’m spinning my wheels. I am getting nowhere. I am moving five feet forward and sliding four feet back. Don’t get me wrong… some things ARE going well. My weight loss journey is going in the right direction…. I’ve lost almost 40 pounds over the last few months. I feel healthier. Overall though, I feel stagnant. I feel like I’m in some perpetual holding pattern. In life…in love… I’m not sure… but it is a pervasive feeling. Through conversations with others and some self-reflection- I think it is a lack of consistency. To lose weight I’ve CONSISTENTLY eaten better and worked out. Mentally I have no consistency…. NONE. I don’t have a plan. I act and feel by the seat of my pants. I let my emotions rule my thoughts. Those thoughts, while mostly benign or upbeat, can veer sharply occasionally into a pit of self-doubt.

I really think I need to find a way to exercise my mind and my mental outlook…. I’m not sure what I will do…. go to church more, read, journal, talk (maybe not… I think I talk TOO MUCH), Listen, meditate…. I don’t know. But what I do know is I need something…. I NEED CONSISTENCY from myself and for myself.

Pictures On The Wall

Sunday is upon us. I’ve never subscribed to the whole “Sunday Funday”- thing. Sunday’s for me has always been mourning the end of the weekend and resting up for the coming week. I guess I kinda like to chill on Sundays.

I’ve been thinking (perhaps OVERTHINKING) my role in my failed marriage. As I have said before, I take responsibility for my part (which at times I believe is 100 percent). I feel like Brenda’s actions were reactions to the position I put her in. In that way I can feel like I totally was the whole cause. Maybe I like being the martyr… sick as that sounds. I think maybe if I feel I was the 100 percent cause of the failure, I can 100 percent the person who can put it back together. Maybe? It’s a stupid thought but I think that is it.

One of the things I thought about is how I relinquished some of my masculinity. In some ways I became “wishy-washsy”. I didn’t take charge and be Brenda’s Man. I’m not speaking in the sense I needed to dominate her… but in the sense that I need to assume my role as the man. Make decisions, be supportive, keep my promise to cherish her forever. Little things… like putting up things on the wall were hard for me and eventually Brenda would do them herself. At the time I didn’t really think anything of it. Looking back now I see it as a brick in the wall of failure that was built between us

Friday Night Lowkey

The weekend is upon us. After a couple of days of travel this week it will be nice to slow down for a bit on Saturday and Sunday with my two youngest kids. Not sure what we will do… but I do want them to get some fresh air. I’m thinking a few hours of beach time will be in order. We will see if everyone is up to it in the AM

I don’t feel like I have much to say tonight. Maybe I do but I can’t organize my thoughts…. i dont know

Burn It Down and Bail….

It’s been a stressful few days. Not because of anything someone has said or done to me… it is just “my head”.

I say “just my head” like it’s just a little problem, eh? Maybe self-consciously I want it to be…. I want to ignore my “head”. But when I ignore my head I go deeper and deeper and deeper into a hole that I can’t see my way out of.

I’ve tried to enter into relationships thinking they would be my antidote for feelings in my poisoned head. In the end, they were not. I’ve not taken the time to heal myself. In the end, all I did was run away from good women who did deserved to be treated they way I did to them.. I bailed. I started fires (or at least set them with someone) and walked away so it could burn down the whole place. I am very selfish. I hurt….so I find a relationship that will soothe me…. and it starts to do just that but when it gets too “real”…. THEN I BAIL…. I GET SCARED… I GET OVER-WHELMED... WTF is wrong with me? I look out for me and me only….. pitiful and a coward.

I cannot be in anther relationship and love anyone else until I love myself…. and I am clearly far away from that.

Although I am better than I was, I am still so very far from where I want to be.

I have to walk that path…. alone

Self-Hate, Prayer and Hope

At what point does the self-hate end?

I wrote this in a divorce group i follow on FaceBook…. not sure if anyone will care or even see it here. Thought I’d share. I really need to write more here. The will is there but the time and inspiration is not.

At what point does the self-hate end?

I spent 23 years in a marriage to the love of my life.

I met my ex on a blind date. From day one I was in love. Our courtship went fast… three months to an engagement and a bit over a year to our marriage.

The early years were great…. but maybe too much so. I believed that a marriage could be sustained on love alone. I felt that love alone could get us through anything and always keep us together. When little problems came up, I feel I buried my head. I didn’t face up to “tending my garden”. I didn’t do what should have been done to feed that garden. To give it good strong roots and to make it flourish.

I spent my career in law enforcement. Most of the time was spent as a Homicide Investigator. I started to have more problems with intense and paralyzing anxiety. The pressures of constant death and the investigations into them caused me to want to “tune out”. I turned to drinking more and more. Never at work… but a lot in my free time. Never mean or abusive. I’d pass out….

I feel I drove my wife and family away. I chose the easy route instead of facing my anxiety. For that I hate myself…. for what I did to my wife and kids. How I destroyed a beautiful family out of selfishness.

I still love my ex with every breath… I understand why she had to take the path that was best for her and the kids.

I’ve worked (and will forever be working on) myself. I’ve controled the demons and learned better self care. I’ve made the changes and continue to learn more about myself everyday.

I pray every day that God will touch her heart and allow her to give me another chance… but in the end… she was my lighting bolt…. and lighting almost never strikes the same place twice”

Feels Just Like Starting Over

If you only knew how many times I start this blog. I always start with the greatest of intentions to write everyday (ok… maybe not everyday… but at least with some semblance of regularity) but stop abruptly. In my mind I think typing out my routine, thoughts, fear, joys, hopes and prayers will be some sort of cathartic experience. It is to a point I suppose… but in other ways I think it exposes my pathetic though processes. I don’t know…

I’m pretty sure nobody reads this anyway (may some bots looking for clients and consumers based on keywords…). I don’t really care either way. Maybe typing out my truth will help me to focus. We will see.

But here I am again… willing (and ready?) to do this again?

I hope so…

“It’s been so long since we took the time
No-one is to blame
I know time flies so quickly
But when I see you darling
It’s like we both are falling in love again
It’ll be just like starting over – starting over”